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19 August 2010 @ 07:25 pm
playing from script  
okay so i think i want to start planning out my days - what ill eat, what ill do, when ill do it, and so on. maybe once i learn to do this ill be able to stay on track with keeping promises to myself. idk. i need a change.

i think im withholding water, my weight is 125.8 (even after eating so little all day and purging), but it didnt change at all after i peed, so i think our scale is off. definitely splurging on a new one tomorrow night when i get paid.

on a side note... i feel so alone. andrew (the boyfriend of 2.5 months, its been a while since ive updated my current life/relationship changes) rarely talks to me throughout the day, i always wonder what hes doing, it makes me so nervous. i dont think he would cheat, but he has a habit of twisting the truth at times. its like i catch him daily lieing to someone, its really starting to bother me. it makes me wonder if hes lieing to me about how he'd never cheat. or maybe i just dont want to believe him because i dont trust anyone. who knows. anyway, he calls me at night before bed, but its always a short rushed conversation. we have lengthier ones sometimes, but most of the time we dont. he flip-flops back and forth between things he says, like that he wants time away to get things done at home, then tells me he wanted me to have time to myself, the opposite of what he said. its like hes constantly trying to make himself look a certain way for the current situation, its hard to know when hes being genuine about something, it scares me. theres nothing i hate more than being lied to. its like were not really dating when were apart from each other, then when were together, as of lately, hes obsessed with his dog and spending time with it or random stuff around the house, with the roommates, or with his cousin. its like hes more worried about everything else around him BUT me. i know i sound selfish and conceited, but when i drive 70 miles out of my fucking way to see you, i expect alot of time devoted to him and me... but...

hes sweet to me, at the same time he treats me better than anyone ever has. he calls me pet names when he talks to me, buys me things without my asking, he can be very romantic and passionate and i absolutely adore that about him. ive always thought it was corny for people to do the whole candlelit dinner thing or cover a bed in rose petals, but thats the kind of thing he likes, and i love it. its what ive always wanted out of a guy, but ive been so busy getting treated like shit that ive learned to hate it because thats something ive never been treated to. to be honest, im pretty in love with him. but its like i can only love him truely when im with him, when we're apart i feel like hes cold towards me. maybe its just me. i cant ask him to be the exact kind of guy i want him to be, but i just wonder if this is just going to be another notch in my belt & another failed relationship that lasted longer than it should have.

anyway, im running my mouth. ive been reading wintergirls, i want to use one of the quotes in a tattoo idea for my stars, and i also think its going to actually help me quit purging. the part about cassie dieing & how it happened really struck a chord. being ana is no better than being mia, health-wise, but it is better in my eyes right now.

im going to read some more and clean my room, hopefully this water weight will go away soon.
 
 
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